Titanium (A Quinntana fic)
by cassdsassyangel
Summary: Quinn and Santana find themselves tangled up in each other again after Finn's death. How will this affect their lives right now? And, what will they do about it? Listen to the playlist here: www. youtube. com/ watch?v tAp9BKosZXs&list PLYFHDU3905e5DkmcIWt7kg4M0BpKbiYmj
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_Bulletproof, nothin' to lose, fire away, fire away…_

_Shoot me down, but I won't fall, I am titanium… -David Guetta and Sia, "Titanium"_

The room was hazy. Her head was hazy. No, she did not do any drugs. She just had one drink too many. It was a few hours after Finn's funeral and they were in her room in her mother's house. The house she grew up in.

The swell of Santana's breasts greeted her as she kissed her from the neck down. She did not want to think about anyone or anything else.

"Quinn," Santana said, "Quinn, stop." She said as she tried to get up and cover herself with the sheets. "Stop, stop."

Quinn sighed, sat down and hugged a pillow to cover her naked body. "Didn't you like it?" She asked.

"You're drunk,"

Quinn sighed. "Sorry" she said. After Will and Emma's wedding, it was the first time they saw each other again. She still could not believe that Finn is gone. He was too young. There was so much in store for him.

Finn died because of an overdose of sleeping pills. Apparently, he was having some problems recently and had a hard time sleeping. Thus, the pills. It's surreal. It was like, just like that, he's gone. It doesn't make sense.

Quinn stood to fix herself up. She hasn't been sleeping much for days. She couldn't. How could she when one of her best friends was gone? She opened her closet where she left some of her old dresses. She chose a simple black cap-sleeved dress and put it on. She sat down and faced the mirror where Santana was visibly sitting down on bed, covered in sheets.

Quinn took a deep breath, "It doesn't make sense, does it?"

"No," Santana replied.

"I just don't understand…" Quinn said, "I mean…he's Finn. What went wrong? It's just so unfair."

"I know," Santana said, "I mean, he did mean something to me. He was something."

Quinn caught Santana's eye and smiled lightly, "You were his first," Quinn said, "Ohmygod, I remembered how Rachel was so mad!"

Santana snickered, "Ah, those were the days."

Quinn smiled lightly, "How are you and what's her name…Dani?"

"Ah, we broke up," Santana said, "No bad blood, though. She just had to leave New York, that's all. It's all good."

"Oh."

"What about you, Q?" Santana asked, "Anyone new?"

"Nothing to talk about,"

"Really…" Santana raised an eyebrow.

Quinn sighed, "Just…" she said and went to sit down next to Santana. She bit her lip and, "Listen," she said, putting a finger on Santana's lips. "You wanna maybe forget about everything first and you know…"

"Quinn, you're drunk,"

"You are, too."

"Not as drunk as you." Santana said, "And—"

"Ssh—" Quinn said, kissing Santana softly on the lips, "no talking…just…" and then she started kissing her on the neck. Santana then went to remove Quinn's dress. It was going to be a long night.

Xxx

**a/n: Hi guys! So, I'm kinda back. Kinda coz you know, there's just so much to do but I missed writing fanfics. Like, too much, that I had to do this. Plus, I've wanted to write another Quinntana fic and this is it. As for Finn's death, I debated with myself as to put in drugs/pills as the cause of death but I realized that it's the only way there is. It's the only way to show why they're so affected and all. I hope you like this. Leave reviews, comments, whatevers and tell me what you think. **** -Cass**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_Have you ever been touched so gently, you had to cry? Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?—Pink, "Glitter in the air"_

"So…" Santana told Quinn as they were in the train station the following day. "I can bring you home if you want to. I mean, there's always a train to New York…"

"Nah, don't bother," Quinn said, "I'll be okay. Besides, Rachel needs you."

Santana took a deep breath, "About last night, Quinn—"

"Don't," Quinn said, "Come on…It was just…why should we talk about it?"

"So it doesn't mean anything to you?"

"Santana, why are we even having this conversation? You knew I was drunk. You just said so yourself."

"So we're really nothing to you?"

Quinn took a deep breath, "I'm tired," she said, "I have a train to catch. I have a life to get back to. I'm reeling from Finn's death…"

"We all are." Santana said, "But I think you're lying to yourself when you say that you and I mean absolutely nothing."

"Why can't we just…just act normal? Like, you know, like after the wedding?"

"Because I like you, Quinn." Santana said, "And I know you feel something for me, too."

"Oh god, please just stop right there."

Santana shook her head, "You clearly haven't changed."

"Maybe I never will." Quinn stated and took a deep breath, her hair being blown by the wind. "Look, I don't want to fight with you, okay? You're one of my best friends and we both just lost one of our best friends and it's so hard." She sighed, "Let's just leave it at that."

"You really are such a bitch, you know?"

"But you love me for it." Quinn smiled. They looked at each other without saying anything for a while and then,

"I should go," Quinn said, and gave her a peck on the cheek. "You take care, okay?" Her voice was breaking; she was trying hard not to cry. "I'll see you soon."

"Quinn,"

"Bye," Quinn said and walked towards the train, determined not to look back.


	3. Chapter 3

**a/n: hi darlins! Just got a few things to say. Really sorry for not being able to update every day or so, life's been life and I've been really busy plus I used to always get e-mail notifications from fanfiction so when I wasn't receiving any for this one, I was like, IS MY STORY THAT BAD? And then I checked my profile, checked this story and realized that there are actually a couple of followers and reviews and all, and I was like, what is wrong with fanfiction? So yeah, I added them to my contact list and now I get to receive updates again. Tee-hee. So cray. Oh well, thanks for your love, you guys, I appreciate it SO MUCH so keep 'em comin. Okay now, chapter 3 is here.**

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**Chapter 3**

_Fallin' from cloud 9, crashin' from the height…" –Katy Perry, Wide Awake_

Santana got out of the room she was using in the apartment that she was renting with Rachel and Kurt. They were all back in New York. They had to face real life again.

The funny thing is, even though she was sadder than sad, Quinn was still on her mind. The way she kissed her-softly at first, then growing with intensity as they went on; her smooth skin; her soft, blonde hair; her breasts-

She shook her head and tried not to think about Quinn. She shouldn't be thinking about her, anyway. Quinn made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with her. But still…

Santana saw Rachel placing a photo of Finn on the coffee table. It was one of his earliest photos from New Directions—a testament of his dreams and ambitions; a memory of the man that he was.

"Hey," Santana said.

Rachel looked at her, "Oh," she said and smiled lightly, the sadness still visible in her eyes.

Santana stood next to her and looked at Finn's photo. "How are you?"

Rachel shrugged, "I really don't know."

Santana nodded her head, "We'll get by."

"Thanks," Rachel said, "So, how's Quinn?"

Santana was startled, "What?"

"Uh…how's Quinn?" Rachel asked, "I mean, you went over to her house after-"

_The Funeral, _Rachel was about to say but Santana saved her the awkwardness.

"Oh, right," Santana interjected, "She's…" thoughts of the night they shared kept coming back to Santana, "She's…well…we're all just trying to get by, you know…It's hard on her, too."

Rachel nodded her head, "It's not very fair, is it?" Rachel said, her voice breaking.

"Rach,"

Rachel was crying now. She sat down on the couch, "I love him so much…" she said, "why can't that be enough?"

Santana felt a lump in her throat; there were too many unshed tears. "It wasn't your fault."

"Everyone keeps saying that!" Rachel said, "but he's still gone! He's no longer here, Santana. He won't be coming back. He just won't. I wasn't able to do enough!" She burrowed her face in her hands.

Santana sat down beside her and gave her a hug, "We all weren't able to do enough." She said, "It wasn't just you. I know you loved him a lot, Rach. He loved you, too. I'm sure of that. But you know Finn…He's…he always put a lot of pressure on himself. Maybe that caught up with him. Maybe, everything caught up with him."

"I miss him so much…"

"I know," Santana said, "That's okay. He's not exactly easy to forget."

"Sorry," Rachel sniffed and started to wipe her tears, "I haven't even asked you how you were…I mean, after your break-up with Dani…"

Santana hushed her, "It's okay," she said, "Dan's a great girl, but you know..she has to go places." She said, "and anyway, you look like you haven't gotten enough sleep. I'll make us some breakfast." She stood up.

"Santana," Rachel said.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"_You treat me badly, I love you madly, you really got a hold on me.." –She and Him, "You really got a hold on me"_

Santana's phone beeped and she received a text from Quinn.

**Quinn: Hey hot stuff.**

Santana raised an eyebrow. She was wiping one of the tables at the diner. It was a lazy night; not many customers were in. She composed a reply.

**Santana: You say you want NOTHING to do with me and then you go and call me hot stuff. How very Quinn Fabray.**

**Quinn: Ah, I'll pretend I didn't read that. So, how are you? How's Rachel?**

**Santana: She's trying to get by. Good thing she has all these projects to keep her busy.**

**Quinn: That's good. And you?**

**Santana: Oh let's not pretend you sent me a text to know how I am. I'm pretty sure you need something.**

**Quinn: god you know me so well.**

**Santana: so, what's up?**

**Quinn: just all these crazy number of school work and well, some people..**

**Santana: what people?**

**Quinn: none that I'd like to talk about.**

**Santana: you sent me a text to talk about nothing.**

**Quinn: Is that bad?**

**Santana: hell-o, Quinn, you practically dumped me.**

**Quinn: I can't DUMP you if we're not together.**

**Santana: You're insane.**

**Quinn: And you love me.**

**Santana: god, Quinn, you are such a bitch.**

**Quinn: Come on. I was joking.**

**Santana: Yeah? Well how about this: It's so not a joke, Quinn. It's the same thing you did to Puck all those times. I thought you two made up before graduation? What the hell happened after? Oh and it's the same thing you did to Finn. Remember how much you lied to him? Who knows? Maybe it's one of the reasons why his life's been ruined.**

**Quinn: Don't you dare blame me for that.**

**Santana: Ha! Have you ever tried blaming yourself, Quinn? Coz we all have been berating ourselves, you know.**

**Quinn: Fuck you. You don't know me.**

**Santana: Do you even know you?**

"Santana!" Santana's boss, Ricardo, called out, "What are you doing?! We're closing the store."

"Right. Sorry." She said, removed her apron and threw the phone inside her skirt's pocket. She then went on to help clear the tables. Her phone started ringing.

Ricardo sighed, _"Dios mio, _Santana, we can't get any work done with that phone of yours."

"I'm not going to pick it up," she said.

"Well, maybe you should. Just go home and come back tomorrow when you're back to your usual self."

"Sorry," she said, headed for the door and answered her phone as soon as she was out. "You're going to cost me my job!" she told Quinn who was on the other line.

"How could do you say what you just said?"

"That you're gonna cost me my job?"

"Don't be stupid."

"Now I'm the one who's stupid?" Santana flared up, "Stupid is not caring about the people who care about you. Stupid is lying to yourself which is what you've been doing for so long!"

"Just shut up already!"

"I will if you'd tell me the real reason why you called.

"Santana, just…"

There were a few seconds of silence. Santana could hear Quinn's heavy breathing. Quinn sighed. "Can you just come here as soon as possible?"

"Why?"

"Santana, please." She heard the pleading in Quinn's voice; the voice of sadness and pain.

"You know, I'd like to say no…but fine. I'll go. I'll see you."

"Thank you."

"Yeah, well…I gotta go. I'll be there over the weekend."

"Alright…"

The call ended and Santana put her phone back inside her skirt. Her heart was already full of hope.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**a/n: Hello guys! Once again, thank you SO MUCH for your reviews and messages. Keep em comin, I appreciate it. And as a birthday treat (yep, a year older this day), here's the next chapter.**

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_(Am I the only one who drowns in my desire for you? It's only fear that makes you run, the demons that you're hiding from…) –Melissa Etheridge, "Am I the only one"_

That Saturday afternoon after her shift at the restaurant, Santana hastily went home to change her clothes and pack her bags. She looked at herself in the mirror and thought that her peasant top and skinny jeans ensemble looked flattering on her body. She picked up her big Hobo bag, got out of the room and bumped into Rachel who also just got out of the room. She was in her waitress' uniform.

"Hey," Rachel said.

"Rachel…"

Rachel smiled, "You look sharp," she said, "hot date?"

Santana faked a cough, "Uhm, no, no," she said, "I was just…I'm going to give Quinn a visit."

"Oh," Rachel said, "That's great, it's like your friendship is getting stronger again,"

"Yeah, you could say that," Santana smiled lightly, "So…you be goin' to work?"

"Yeah," Rachel said, "Helps me get by. Anyway…I should get going now. Say hello to Quinn for me, okay?"

"I will," she gave Rachel a peck on the cheek, "Bye!"

"Bye!"

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Santana arrived at Quinn's apartment and found it to be chic in a shabby sort of way. The white walls were old, but it worked. She rang the doorbell and tried to take in the surroundings: lush trees, wild flowers…Just then, she heard Quinn's soft voice.

"Santana,"

She turned towards the door and saw Quinn, who looked as if she just got out of bed. Her hair was disheveled in all its blonde glory and she was wearing what seemed like a ratty old short four sizes too big. She could totally tell Quinn was wearing no bra. Quinn was also wearing some short shorts. She thought Quinn looked—there was no other word for it—HOT.

"Quinnie," she said. Suddenly, she couldn't contain herself anymore. She walked towards Quinn, grabbed her by the arm and kissed her on the lips. It was intense and passionate and she was burning with desire. She felt Quinn try to pull back at first but gave in a few short seconds later. Quinn's lips were soft and she smelled like Strawberries. She always smelled like Strawberries. She was brushing her fingers on Quinn's breasts when a male voice spoke from inside the house.

"Uhm, Quinn?" The voice sounded strong and firm and it broke them apart.

"Oh my god," Quinn said, and looked at the man, "Patrick…"

"What's going on?" Santana said, "Quinn? Who is that?"

"I think I should be asking the same question," Patrick said. He looked a bit older than they were, like he was in his early 30's and as a dead-ringer for Ben Mackenzie in _Southland. _He was buttoning up his Polo and had some shorts on. "What's going on, Quinn?"

Quinn looked as if she'd rather be anywhere but there. "Patrick…I…she's…Santana—" she said, "She's—" She didn't know what to say.

"And aren't you going to answer my question, Quinn? Who is he?"

Quinn took a deep breath, "Patrick is my boyfriend."

"Oh," Santana said sarcastically, "so why did you ask me to come here? You wanted a threesome or something?"

"Santana!"

"You asked her to come here?" Patrick asked.

"We were fighting," Quinn told Patrick. Her hands were cold; she was jittery.

"So, what am I then?" Santana said, "Your booty call?"

"It's not like that,"

Santana took a deep breath, "You know what?" she said, "I should go." She then started walking away. She was trying ahrd not to cry.

"Santana, wait!" Quinn said and ran after her. She grabbed her by the arm. "Wait—" Quinn also had tears in her eyes now.

"What do you want?" Santana said through gritted teeth, "What the hell do you want? What? Do you expect me to just be there for you even after you just threw me away? Well, guess what, I'm here and what do I see? You just…you probably just had sex with that man! And who is he, Quinn? Another married professor of yours? What did you fight about? Did you ask him to leave his wife for you?"

Quinn cried. Her voice was shaking. "He's not married," she said, "he's…he's living with someone but—"

"But what? But they don't love each other anymore? But he's better than me? But he's here and he can take care of you? Well, guess what, Quinn, I can do that, too! Why can't you just accept that you like me, too?"

"Because…" Quinn said, crying, "I just…can't, okay?" She said, "It wasn't supposed to be this way. I was trying to get my life back and—"

"Is this what you call a life?" Santana laughed sarcastically, "well, then, you're so screwed up!"

"And you're not?"

"Unlike you, I've long stopped pretending. I've stopped trying to be perfect. Why can't you just do the same?"

Quinn couldn't answer.

Santana sighed, "Bye, Quinn, have a nice life." She walked away, her heart heavy; her steps painful.

Quinn stood there, as if frozen to the ground. The grass were swaying to the wind. She wanted to be one with them—to just be lost; to not think anymore.

Patrick came up to her. He was quiet for a few seconds and then, "I think it would be best if I leave." He said.

Quinn looked at him, "I'm sorry," she said.

"I am, too." He said. "This is wrong, you know? I really shouldn't have taken advantage of your…kindness."

"It's not like that,"

"No, no," he said, "Minerva may have…made some mistakes but…I love her and I'm willing to forgive her. And that night at the bar…I was just really sad. And I know you were, too. I should've just walked away but…" he sighed, "You're a great girl, Quinn." The way he said it made her feel like he was seeing her as a broken, fragile child.

"You should go," Quinn said.

"I'm sorry,"

"Just…go."

He looked at her one last time then made his way out of her house—and her life.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**a/n: Hello you guys! Thanks much for the greetings and the reviews and everything. Okay, I know most of you hate Quinn now but one of the things I LOVE about writing Quinn is that there's so much you can do with her. There are so many layers about her personality and she's the type who keeps so many secrets so you know, there's always something you have to know. That said, this chapter will kind of…redeem her, or at least make you see what's going on with her. Again, I wish I could update much in a day but there's work to do so…but still, I'll update whenever I can because you guys are AWESOME. Okay, 'nuff said, here you go.**

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_(She wants to go home, nobody's home, that's where she lies, broken inside…) Avril Lavigne, "Nobody's Home"_

Quinn went running back inside the house. She was crying; the pain of everything that happened is making her feel like crumbling down.

She slammed the front door and ran up to her room. She closed the door and threw her pillows and blanket on the floor. Slumped down on the floor and burrowed her face in her hands.

She felt alone. She always felt alone. Why was she so hard on herself? Why couldn't she be just like other people? People who knew how to take themselves lightly, people who knew how to take life lightly.

It's because this is the only way she knows how to live. It's because she always wanted to be better than she was; because "Okay" is never enough and she always had to try harder.

It's because she always, always failed.

And this time, she failed real bad.

She reached for her phone on the dresser and opened her e-mail. She scrolled down until she found what she's been looking for.

**From: finnhudson **

**To: **

**Re: help**

**Quinn. I know this comes as a surprise but I don't know who to talk to anymore. **

**To be honest, I don't know what to do. I've put myself in such a terrible mess. I don't know how to get out of it. I couldn't talk about it with anyone and it's just…it's so hard. I haven't been sleeping much lately. I have just been thinking too much and I still can't find a solution.**

**I got someone pregnant, Quinn. I know, it's stupid, you can say whatever you want. It wasn't supposed to happen and this is a very lame excuse but I was dead drunk after a night out with some friends I met on a cruise. It was just after Will and Emma's almost wedding and I thought, maybe it's time for some fun. **

**Well, Rachel and I slept together that night (the wedding) but you know how busy she is and I just want to support her and I want her to focus on her career. I know I sound stupid and like I'm such a douchebag again but we all know what Rachel wants and I just want her to be that person, you know?**

**I didn't mean to sleep with anyone else. It just happened. You know how I don't like getting drunk. Well, Sheila…she's the woman….we did it, but that's it. We saw each other a few times after and it was all good until she told me she was pregnant…and that she had the baby aborted.**

**I don't know what to do, Quinn. Everything's so fucked up. I screwed up big time. Please talk to me. **

He asked her for help. But the thing is, she only saw the message a few days after she learned about Finn's death. She only learned about it while she was about to go to Lima to attend the funeral. He asked her for help and she was not able to help him. She was so focused on her messed-up life that she couldn't even check her e-mails to see if her old friends were checking up on her or asking her for help. She was selfish—selfish and she was such a failure.

She threw the phone on her bed and screamed. She wanted to tell Santana or Rachel about it when she found out but she couldn't. She didn't. She didn't because she did not want it to be real. She didn't because she wished Finn was still alive. That it's all just a joke. That they could just go back to the old days. Except they couldn't.

And now, she failed again. She lost Patrick—not that it mattered but still. And she lost Santana. She felt so alone.

She felt so alone and all she could do was cry.

Xx

**A/n: okay, okay, I have no idea how you guys would feel about that but you know, I love drama and no, this is no disrespect to Cory. Again, I'm writing about Finn, not Cory, plus, now you know why Quinn is the way she is so maybe give her some compassion? **


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**a/n: Hello darlings. So yeah, some of you are so mad at me and at Quinn but you know…everyone has their way of dealing with things. When it comes to why She invited Santana when she's with Patrick, we'll come to that soon **

**And for those of you who are willing to give Quinn a chance, THANK YOU. I promise lots of twists and turns in this story and you'll see…**

**And don't worry, Santana won't be the only one who's gonna work for this "relationship". Something will come up soon. **

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_(When a heart breaks, it don't break even) The Script, "Breakeven"_

Santana hurriedly came back to New York after what happened at Quinn's house. She was so mad—but bigger than the anger was her hurt; her pain. She couldn't believe what just happened. She couldn't believe that Quinn hasn't changed at all.

Sunday dawn, Santana was drinking some tequila in the kitchen. She was sitting down on a chair, a bottle of tequila on the table with the lights closed. She was then annoyed when she heard Blaine and Kurt laughing as they made their way to the kitchen. One of them opened the lights.

"God, could you just get a room?" Santana said.

"Santana!" Kurt said, "I thought you were gonna spend the weekend in New Haven?"

"Apparently, I'm not."

"Hey," Blaine said as he sat on the seat across hers, "what's with drinking alone?"

"None of your business."

"What's wrong?" Kurt said, sitting down next to Blaine, "Why are you in that Santana Lima Heights adjacent phase again?"

"Nothing, okay?" Santana said exasperatedly.

"Wait, is this about…Dani?" Kurt asked.

"It's not about Dani." Santana said, "She was a great girl but that's that."

"What about Brittany? Have you been talking to Brittany?" Blaine asked.

"Brittany's saving the world and she's good." Santana said, "Just let it go."

"But it's about a girl, isn't it?" Kurt said.

"I said let it go." Santana answered. Suddenly, tears were rushing out of her eyes. "God, you're such an idiot," she told herself.

"Oh my god, Santana, I'm sorry," Kurt said, and reached for her hand, "I—"

"Kurt, please,"

"Wait…" Kurt said, "You were just in New Haven. And now…" he paused and then, "Santana, is something going on between you and Quinn?"

Santana took a deep breath, "She wants nothing to do with me, okay?" she said, "Nothing. Can you imagine that?" she laughed sarcastically, "We slept a few times…after Mr. Schue and Miss Pillsbury's almost wedding and then…after the funeral…" she sighed, "I told her I liked he and then she dumped me and then next thing I know, she was asking me to come to New Haven to see her and so I went and when I arrived she was…she was with a man," she went on, "She's insane."

"Oh, Santana, I'm so sorry," Kurt said.

"Why can't she just accept the fact that she likes me? That we have something good together,"

"You know Quinn," Blaine said, "She always has this…wall. You know? Like, you really have no idea what she's thinking. And…you know…things like this aren't always easy to accept."

"But she's fine with being someone else's mistress?" Santana said, "She's fine with being whatever she is?" Santana cried, "She's just a selfish little girl. She always will be."

"Santana—" Kurt said.

Santana shook her head, "Sorry," she said, "I should just go to bed." She was about to take the bottle of tequila with her but Kurt took it from her.

Hey, hey," Kurt said, "No drinking."

"Kurt, I'm not a child."

"Santana," he said, "Please."

Santana sighed but as she looked at Kurt, she realized that he was only scared because of what happened to Finn. She realized that Kurt only cared about her and that even though the thing in New Haven happened, the world will not stop for her pain.

"Fine," She said, "that's all yours." She went on, "And sorry for being a bitch. It's just…"

"That's okay," Blaine said, "Come on. We're all friends here."

Santana took a deep breath, "Goodnight,"

"Goodnight,"

Xxx

When Santana woke up the following morning, her head was pounding but thankfully, there was a bottle of water on the table. She reached out for it, drank a bit, and noticed that she had a couple of messages on her phone.

Messages from Quinn.

She sighed, debating with herself to open the messages. And then she decided that she had to do something. That she couldn't just be at Quinn's beck and call all the time.

She took out her Sim card and reluctantly threw it in the bedside trashcan. It was hard, but she had to do it.

She got out of bed and tried to face the day.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**a/n: Hi guys! Late update, just had to deal with a couple of things lately, it's cray cray. Anyway, BIG THANKS again for all your support, love, hate,haha everything. I hope you keep supporting this fic. Xx**

**Dedicating this chapter to ItsOnlyStubbsy on Twitter. Because she reminded me to update! LOL **

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_(You are a piece of me, I wish I didn't need) Zedd ft Foxes, "Clarity"_

It was a Monday morning and Quinn did not want to get out of bed. She was feeling weak; her heart was full of pain. She has shed too much tears since Santana left and she knows it was her fault, but what could she do? Everything was clouding up her mind.

She has been sending Santana messages but she never answered even one. And she also tried calling her, but her phone was out of reach. She didn't know what to do.

Wait. She did. She could call Kurt or Rachel but she was hesitating. Kurt had awesome gaydar and she was not ready for his questions. And Rachel…Well, how could she face her? How could she talk to her knowing there's so much she had to tell her? How can she talk to Rachel without breaking down and thinking of Finn?

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She has already wasted so much time. It was high time she tried to do something right. What else could she lose?

She sat up, reached for her phone on the bed side table and took a deep breath. She scrolled down to Rachel's number and pressed "Call". A couple of rings and then Rachel finally picked up.

"Hello?" Rachel said, "Quinn! I'm so sorry. I was just dressing up. How are you?"

Quinn didn't know what was happening to her but she felt like crying again after hearing Rachel's voice. Maybe, it was the guilt. Or the fear. All the pain. She really didn't know anymore. She took a deep breath to prevent the tears from coming down. "Hi Rach," she said, "I was just…I was just wondering if you've seen Santana…" It sounded like a stupid question but she had no idea how to say it.

Rachel said, "She headed out early. But I'll see her at work later. Why? What's going on?"

"Oh, nothing, I was just…wondering if she's been getting my messages…I've also tried calling her but her phone seemed off or something…"

"Didn't she give you her new number?"

"She changed numbers?"

"Yeah…that's weird. Something must've went wrong with the line as I'm sure she would've told you…"

"No, no, it's okay," Quinn said. So that explained Santana's silence. She tried hard not to cry. "So…uhm…" she finally found some courage to ask, "How are you, Rach?"

Rachel took a deep breath, "I'm okay," she said, "Coping."

"I'm proud of you," Quinn sniffed. She couldn't fight the tears anymore.

"Quinn, what's going on?"

"Nothing," Quinn said, "I'll just…I'll see you soon, okay? Bye, Rachel." She ended the call, knowing she had to face Rachel and Santana soon.

**a/n: short, short update, I know, sorry, but I've another chapter comin up and yeah well…life's been really cray lately so yeah, you could say I'm in kind of a rut but THANK YOU so much for keepin me goin you guys. Xxx**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

_(You taught me how to break a heart) –Nikki, "How to break a heart"_

"Hey," Rachel said as she saw Santana that lunchtime. Santana was eating a bagel.

"Hey," Santana shot back, offering Rachel her half-eaten bagel, "Care for a bagel?"

"Err, no, thanks," Rachel smiled, "Quinn called, though."

Santana put the bagel down on a plate and looked uninterested, "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Rachel said, "You didn't give her your number?" Rachel said curiously.

Santana sighed, "What did she say?"

"She was just wondering if you got her messages," Rachel answered, "Santana, what's going on? Did you two fight?"

"She's just insane, that's all."

"What?"

Santana took a deep breath, "I just don't want to talk to her right now."

"Oh, okay," Rachel said, "I take it something happened in New Haven?"

Santana drank some water, "Let's just say we're not seeing things the same way right now and it's better if I stay away first."

"Well…whatever it is, I hope you fix it soon."

"Yeah, well, maybe…" Santana said, "Sorry, Rach, things are just crazy."

"Growing up's crazy," Rachel said with a tinge of sadness.

"Yeah, well…" Santana said, "Well, come on now, we've some work to do."

Xxxx

That day went slow for Santana. She tried hard not to think about Quinn but still, she was on the back of her mind. What else could be done? Nothing. She had to learn how to let go.

Still, the fact that Quinn called says a lot. Or maybe not. Maybe, she and Patrick fought again. Maybe, she just needs her booty call.

She shook her head. It's useless to think about Quinn, she thought. She wanted this, anyway.

Xx

**a/n: Too short, again, I know, but I'll build something more soon. Better chapters will come your way just please don't give up on this. Happy Halloween, darlings! xx**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

_**(Almost, almost is never enough…So close to being in love) Nathan Sykes and Ariana Grande, "Almost is Never Enough"**_

_**Santana, I'm sorry, Please call me.**_

_**I wish I could tell you what I'm going through. I'll try, okay? Just please tell me when you're available to talk.**_

_**Santana, please, I'm sorry. I just feel so fucked up, okay? Things have been crazy.**_

_**Okay. So you don't want to talk to me. Fine. I guess I'd just have to tell you what I need to tell you then.**_

_**Santana, I received an e-mail from Finn before…before he died. The thing is, I was only able to read it after…Well, a few days before the funeral. And the thought that I wasn't able to help him just…killed me. Santana, I didn't know what to do and sorry if I've strung you along in my boat of confusion. I just have no idea what to do.**_

_**Please do not think ill of me. Call me.**_

Quinn sighed as she read the messages she sent Santana. The messages Santana weren't able to read. It's been a week since her conversation with Rachel and she was too drained.

_If only I told Santana earlier_, she thought_, if only she knew._

_What's done is done, _she thought and looked at the books on her bed side table. She already did her assignments and her mind was too cloudy to try to memorize spiels for an upcoming play she was involved in.

She opened one of her drawers and saw her train pass to New York. She can take the train to New York now and be back maybe even before the weekend is over. She just knew that she had to talk to Santana. And she had to talk to Rachel, as well.

_I have to do this_, she thought.

And with anxiousness in her heart, she packed her bags and got ready for her journey to New York.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

_**(So you wanna play with magic, baby you should know what you're fighting for…) Katy perry, "Dark Horse"**_

"What in the world are you doing here?" Santana asked as she saw Quinn standing outside their apartment in New York later that day. Quinn was wearing a Pink cap-sleeved blouse, some skinny jeans and nude pumps.

"I came to apologize," Quinn said.

"Did I hear that right? Quinn Fabray wants to apologize?" Santana said sarcastically.

Quinn sighed, "Santana, will you just let me in?"

"Honestly, Quinn—"

"Just let me in, okay?"

"Santana, who's in there?" Rachel asked and walked towards the front door. She was then surprised to see Quinn.

"Quinn! Oh my god, you're in here!" She said.

"She's going home," Santana stated.

"I'm not," Quinn said. She then looked at Rachel and tried hard to stay composed, "Rachel, will you let me through?"

"Yeah, sure, come in," Rachel said.

"Oh for the love of god," Santana rolled her eyes.

Quinn followed Rachel inside and Santana followed suit. She closed the door as soon as all three of them were inside.

"What are you actually doing here?" Santana asked Quinn.

Quinn put her purse down on the couch, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry," she said as she found Santana.

Rachel was confused. She looked from Quinn to Santana.

"I know what I did was wrong," Quinn continued, "And I know you must hate me so much right now and though trying to delete me out of your life by not giving me your number seems pretty immature—"

"Okay, I'm sorry," Quinn said, "I really am." She took a deep breath, "It's just…there are just so many things on my mind and I have no idea how…" she sighed, "Santana, Rachel," she glandec at Rachel, "I have to tell you guys something,"

"What's going on, Quinn?" Rachel asked.

Quinn bit her lip and tried hard not to cry but her eyes were already beginning to water.

"Finn…Finn left me some messages," Quinn said.

"What?!" Rachel and Santana said at the same time.

"He sent me some e-mails," Quinn said, "but the thing is, I wasn't able to read them before…before he died."

"What?" Rachel said. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Rachel, I'm sorry," Quinn said, "I wanted to tell you but I didn't know how—"

"What did he say?" Rachel asked.

"Rach, I don't think—" Quinn said.

"Tell me what he said," Rachel said, "Quinn, please."

Quinn took a deep breath and took her phone out from her purse. She opened her e-mail, searched for Finn's message and handed the phone to Rachel. "I'm sorry," she muttered.

Rachel grabbed hold of her phone. Her hands were shaking. "Santana—" Rachel said.

Santana took the phone from her and read:

From: finnhudson

To:

Re: help

Quinn. I know this comes as a surprise but I don't know who to talk to anymore.

To be honest, I don't know what to do. I've put myself in such a terrible mess. I don't know how to get out of it. I couldn't talk about it with anyone and it's just…it's so hard. I haven't been sleeping much lately. I have just been thinking too much and I still can't find a solution.

I got someone pregnant, Quinn. I know, it's stupid, you can say whatever you want. It wasn't supposed to happen and this is a very lame excuse but I was dead drunk after a night out with some friends I met on a cruise. It was just after Will and Emma's almost wedding and I thought, maybe it's time for some fun.

Well, Rachel and I slept together that night (the wedding) but you know how busy she is and I just want to support her and I want her to focus on her career. I know I sound stupid and like I'm such a douchebag again but we all know what Rachel wants and I just want her to be that person, you know?

I didn't mean to sleep with anyone else. It just happened. You know how I don't like getting drunk. Well, Sheila…she's the woman….we did it, but that's it. We saw each other a few times after and it was all good until she told me she was pregnant…and that she had the baby aborted.

I don't know what to do, Quinn. Everything's so fucked up. I screwed up big time. Please talk to me.

"Oh my god," Rachel cried, "Oh my god, no…"

"Ssh," Santana said and hugged Rachel. She looked at Quinn and finally found the courage to try to understand her. She can see that she was hurting. Everything was so complicated.

"I don't understand," Rachel cried, "It's unfair…how could that happen…oh my god,"

"Rachel, he loved you," Quinn said, "Maybe, it was just a hard time and…and I don't know…We'll never really know…"

"You should've told me," Rachel said, "how can you act so normal knowing that you kept this huge thing from me?"

"Rach, I never meant to," Quinn cried, "Believe me. It's just…I didn't know how and he was dead and I felt like I wasn't able to do something…"

"Where's the girl?" Rachel asked, "Where is she?"

"I don't know, Rach," Quinn said, "I really have no idea,"

"Oh my god," Rachel cried, "oh my god…"

Quinn went up to Rachel and hugged her, "I'm sorry," she cried, "I'm so sorry,"

Rachel shook her head, "I should go up," she said, "I'm sorry," she said, went upstairs and ran crying to her room. She slammed the door shut.

Santana took a deep breath, "You didn't tell me." She told Quinn.

"I'm sorry," Quinn said.

"Oh god this is so screwed up," Santana said.

"I'll just…Maybe I should go—"

"Are you insane?" Santana said, "You stay right there. I'm going to talk to Rachel,"

"Santana—"

"Quinn," she said, "Please." She reached out for Quinn's hand and squeezed it gently.

Quinn nodded her head and watched Santana go upstairs to check on Rachel.

Xx

**a/n: Hi darlings. Another late update but it's a bit longish, yes? **** Sorry, just have a LOT to do this month. I feel like I pushed myself too much but anyway, still writing this fic and though you know that I can't promise to update each day, I'll update whenever I can. Once again, thanks for your support and keep reading! Much love! Xx **


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

_**(It's you, why's it always you and never me) The Perishers, Trouble Sleeping**_

"Rachel, open up," Santana said as she knocked on Rachel's bedroom door. She turned the knob and realized that it wasn't locked.

Santana saw Rachel sitting down on bed, staring at a photo of Finn. She went up to Rachel and sat down beside her.

"I don't know whether to be mad at him, or at myself," Rachel said after a couple seconds of silence.

"Well…" Santana said, "It's not your fault."

"Do you think I pushed him away?" Rachel asked, "Do you think I should've said that we should formally be together again? Or—"

"Rachel, it's over," Santana said. "That part is done and he's gone. I know you loved him and he loved you, too. I'm sure of that. But Finn's just a person. He's a kid. He tends to make all these mistakes and crazy decisions and you know that. We all know that. Maybe, him being gone is a sign that we should just…focus on the now. But that doesn't take away the fact that he loved you.

"The thing is," Rachel said, "It's like, he kept everything to himself and…I wasn't able to help him. It's like, he was gone just like that."

"I think we all kind of feel the same way," Santana said, "Especially you."

"It's really not gonna be easy for a while, huh?"

"Hmm-mmm." Santana nodded her head, "but you'll manage. You're getting by, you know?"

"I'm sorry," They suddenly heard Quinn's voice.

"Quinn," Rachel said as she looked at Quinn who was standing by the door.

Quinn went up to them and sat down on bed. "I'm sorry," she said, "Rachel, I know you have every right to be mad at me but I really just didn't know what to say. Especially because I wasn't able to help him and all this guilt is eating me up."

"It's not your fault," Rachel said, "You didn't know. I wish you told me but I get it. I know you probably thought you were doing the right thing."

"I can't even imagine what you're going through,"

"I guess we're all going through this," Rachel said, "And anyway, I think you guys have something to talk about, right?"

"Well…" Quinn said.

"I guess I should cook something," Rachel said, "You talk in here."

"Thanks," Quinn said.

And with that, Rachel left the two of them alone.

Xx

**a/n: Cliffhanger! Ha! Anyway, the next chapter will be big and will explain more about Quinn's bitchiness (I hope? Yeah, maybe) and yes, thank you guys for your love. And hate. Haha! **

**As for the short chapters, work right now is hectic, have to write like, 5000 or more words for a project per day, not complaining though, just got promoted recently, but yeah that's why I can't write super long chapters all the time. But at least I do write, right? AND AGAIN, THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH! You mean a lot to me. Have a great day/night, wherever you are. Xx Cass**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

_**(Let it go, let it go, can't hold it back anymore…Let it go, turn my back and slam the door) –Demi Lovato, "Let it Go"**_

Santana took a deep breath as Rachel left the room.

"So..." she said as she looked at Quinn.  
"I'm sorry." Quinn said.  
"What I don't understand," Santana said, "is how could you invite me to see you when you're just going to do another guy? I know you're a bitch but that's just way out of line."  
"I..." Quinn sighed, "Patrick and I fought and-"  
"And you were lonely?"  
"A few hours after I called you, he came by and we...we made up."  
"And made out. No, you did much more than make out."  
"Santana." Quinn sighed as she held one end of Rachel's bedsheet. The silk felt soft in her hands, but she was too fidgety. "I'm sorry," she said, "I didn't know he was going to come, I didn't know you were coming that fast, too…And…I was just scared."

"Of what?"

"Of being alone. Of you flaking out on me. Of losing…everything."

"Oh that's so much crap," Santana said, "You know what your problem is, Quinn? You're too caught up with yourself. You're so scared of everything that you don't care who you hurt. You're so scared that you'll lose this person or that, and in the end, you do things to actually make that person go away. You think you're in love with Patrick but you're not. You care too much about what other people say. You're too flaky. Tell me this: Have you ever made a decision and stuck by it?"

"Santana, I—"

"You haven't," Santana said, "and the way things are going right now, I'm not sure you ever could."

Quinn bit her lip and tried hard not to cry, "I'm sorry," she said. "Santana, I really am. I know you hate me so much right now, I get that. But I do hope you try to understand. I know all the crap I've been through may not be a good excuse, and I'm not trying to make it an excuse. It's just…Every time I try to get back out there, every time I try to be better, to forget about the past, it's like, something happens to make things worse again. I suck at dealing with things, okay?" She said.

"You've always been such an escapist," Santana said.

"I guess I'm still trying to run away from who I am."

"Why?"

Quinn shrugged, "Life?" She said, "All these thoughts about being perfect, being acceptable."

"Quinn, you know we're all not perfect. Why can't you just stop trying to act like little Miss Perfect cheerleader? Honestly, you've never been Miss Perfect, you know?"

"Maybe that's the point."

Santana sighed, "Look," she said, "I appreciate you being here and all, but what exactly do you want?"

"I don't know," she said.

"Did Patrick break up with you?"

"Yes," Quinn answered silently.

"So, you're here because you need a rebound."

"Santana, no."

"Then what?"

"Maybe, I just wanted to see you. I wanted to talk to you and say sorry and—" she sighed, "And fine, admit that I do like you."

"Wow."

"Santana,"

"Look, Quinn," Santana said as she reached for Quinn's hand, "You know I like you, right?"

Quinn nodded her head.

"Good," Santana said, "I hate your ways, but I still do, okay? It's just that…I think you're really just confused right now and I don't want to do anything that might confuse you even more. I like you, Quinn, I really, really do. In fact…I know it's deeper than that. You know it's deeper than that. But I guess…I guess we just can't be together right now."

"Because I need to get my act together,"

Santana didn't answer.

"I'm sorry," Quinn said. She was crying now, out of frustration and devastation. "Santana, I'm so sorry—"

"Ssh," Santana said as she wrapped her arms around Quinn, "I just want you to be okay," Santana said, "I just want you to be sure of things first; to be sure of yourself before anything happens. And…what happened really hurt me, Quinn. I don't want to focus on that right now, but…I guess this is it."

"This is it?"

"For now," Santana said. "I'm not going to ask you to go home to New Haven yet, maybe you want to stay over for the weekend, that's fine, but that's all up to you."

"But you really just don't want to be with me right now."

"It's not that I don't want to," Santana said, "It's just that I can't…not yet. We both know why."

Quinn took a deep breath, "I'm so sorry," she said.

"I'm sorry, too," Santana said.

Nobody said anything for a little while, until they heard Rachel's voice from downstairs.

"Santana! Would you come down for a second?"

Santana looked at Quinn.

"Come on," Quinn muttered and they both made their way out of the room. After shutting the door of Rachel's room, Santana was surprised at what she saw. Or rather, who she saw as she looked downstairs.

"Surprise!" It was Dani, her former girlfriend, now sporting Blonde hair with some Blue streaks on it. "I'm back,"

"Dani," Was all Santana could say.

Xx

**a/n: Finally was able to update. Again, sorry, hectic, hectic week. Have a happy weekend, y'all! xo, Cass**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

_**(We don't care, we're driving cadillacs in our dreams…) Lorde, Royals**_

"Surprise!" Dani said as she saw Santana.

"Dani," Santana repeated, still couldn't believe her eyes.

Dani then trudged up the stairs, carrying her oversized Hobo bag, and gave Santana a hug. "I missed you!" she said and then saw Quinn. "Oh, hi…Quinn, right?"

"Yeah…" Quinn said. _How does she know me? _She thought.

"Okay, I think that confused look is because I kind of sound like a stalker," Dani laughed, "Sorry. Saw some photos of you before. I used to work with Santana and we were cool for a bit." She smiled, looking back at Santana.

"Dani, girl, what's up?" Santana said, "I thought you were wherever you were—"

"Was last in Hawaii," Dani said, "but the sand and surf's just not for me."

"So, you're back?" Santana asked.

"For a while," she said, "I don't know but wherever I go, it's like, New York keeps on making me come back. And…I really did miss you."

"Uhm, I should go down for a bit…" Quinn said and hurriedly went down the stairs and made her way to Rachel who was back in the kitchen.

Santana took a deep breath.

"Did I interrupt something?" Dani asked.

"No, not really…" Santana said, "Let's head outside." She said and she and Dani made their way out.

Xxxx

Santana and Dani were then sitting down on a bench at a nearby park. Dani was eating some Pretzels and Santana was drinking some soda.

"God, I missed New York Pretzels!" she said.

"Looks like it," Santana laughed.

"So…" Dani said, "What's up with Quinn? Are you guys-"

"Oh, no, no," Santana said, "I mean…it's complicated."

"Oh."

Santana sighed, "We had some…moments…you know, stuff…recently…but it didn't work out."

"Why?"

"She's too confused," Santana replied, "I couldn't blame her, really, because she's also been going through stuff, but you know…"

"It sucks."

"Yeah, it does."

"Well…for what it's worth, I'm pretty sure you did your best."

"Ah, you have so much faith in me." Santana said and they both laughed. Santana missed Dani, she did. Not in a very romantic way, but she did. After all, they were good friends, too. She was one of the first persons she really learned to trust in New York.

"I missed you, you know," she told Dani.

"I'll hate you if you didn't,"

They laughed again.

"So…" Santana said, "where are you staying now?"

"Uhm, that's kind of, the thing," Dani said, "Can I crash in your place for a while?" Dani went on, "I mean, no pressure, but I just figured it would be better. I'll pay, okay? It's just so hard to find apartments these days and I really don't have much cash anymore to rent the high end ones…that's why I'm also planning to work at the restaurant again. And I'm really keen on saving up more money right now for the future…"

"Your future travels, you mean."

"Yeah, well…"

Santana rolled her eyes, "Well, I guess it'd be okay with Rachel and Kurt…Besides, it would ease us the burden of paying much, too."

"So, I can stay there? But what about Quinn?"

"I don't know, Dani," Santana said, "I like her, but we really just can't be together right now."

"I see…" Dani said. "Don't worry," she told Santana, "You'll be okay. I know you will."

"Thanks, D." Santana said and took a deep breath, "So…let's go now?"

"Come on,"

Xxxxx

Rachel and Quinn were eating some Pasta in the living room when Santana and Dani arrived.

"Hey guys…" Rachel said.

"Hey," Santana said, "Uhm, actually, Rach, I've something to say…Dani here wants to rent this place with us for a while, until maybe she flies away again—"

Dani laughed, "Yeah, well, Please, Rach? I'm getting back my job at the restaurant so no worries about the pay and all—"

"Well…that sounds neat," Rachel said, "I mean, I'm sure Kurt would love that, too. He loves you!"

"Seems like everyone loves her," Quinn said non-chalantly. Rachel looked at her curiously. "Oh," Quinn said, "I mean, you know…" She smiled but looked at Dani with some disdain. "Anyway," Quinn said and stood up, "I really should get going."

"Aren't you gonna stay over for the night?" Rachel asked her.

"Nah…I should go," Quinn said, then looked at Santana, "Bye," she said, "Good luck." And then she headed out the door.


End file.
